


Once Upon a Circus

by danke_rose



Series: Vacations and Getaways [4]
Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: A few other characters mentioned briefly, F/M, Happy Ending, Mild Angst, Mild Injury, Smut, Some original characters in the circus, kurtty - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:41:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22137988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danke_rose/pseuds/danke_rose
Summary: Kurt has an opportunity to participate in a Christmas reunion circus performance in Germany. He begins to think he wants to return full-time, to Kitty's dismay.  When she visits, he's not acting like himself, and she can't figure out why.  A stupid mistake on his part brings things into focus.
Relationships: Kitty Pryde/Kurt Wagner
Series: Vacations and Getaways [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1961269
Comments: 29
Kudos: 11





	1. A Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by a post on Tumblr. The authors lamented the repetitive nature of plots in a popular greeting card channel's movies, particularly Christmas movies. This doesn't center around Christmas, though the story takes place mostly in November and December. It is both inspired by and parodies those movies. So there is some super fluff in a few places, especially the very end, but there's also smut because that wouldn't be in one of those movies.  
> This started out to be a very short thing, and it took over my life for a month and a half. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!  
> Kurt's kind of out of character because he's having a sort of mid-life-movie-ish-moment.

Kurt's room was always slightly chilly, no matter the season, because he was always warm. The temperature did nothing to make it less cozy and welcoming, though, and Kitty wouldn't complain about watching movies with Kurt's arm around her and a blanket over their feet. He didn't seem to mind, either, and kept the blanket on his couch just for her.

Kitty's mug was empty and she snuggled closer, tucking the blanket around her knees. Beside her, Kurt was slouched low on the cushions of his couch, feet propped on the coffee table made of old crates, idly tapping his thumb on her shoulder in time to the music. Decent furniture was still being acquired after the latest demolition of the mansion.

They were at the best part of the movie when Kurt's phone rang.

“Don't answer it,” Kitty mumbled from his shoulder. He leaned away with a slight chuckle and picked it up to see who it was.

“It's Margali.”

Kitty sat up, instantly on edge. Kurt paused the movie while he answered, then put his arm over her shoulders and pulled her back to his side. She could hear Margali's voice through the speaker, speaking something that was neither English nor German, and she suspected it was Romani. Kurt answered in the same language, one she'd never heard him use before. It made Kitty feel like she was eavesdropping on something private and personal, though she couldn't understand a word of it.

Kurt's tone went from suspicious to enthusiastic over the course of the brief conversation. He loosed his grip on her shoulders and stood up, pacing the room. He didn't seem angry or upset, so that was good. Once or twice she caught names—Amanda was one. Maybe Amanda wanted to get back together with him. That thought twisted in Kitty's heart like a knife. Amanda had left him so many times, used him like a doormat, and he had taken her back almost every time. All but this last time. So far.

“That was Margali,” Kurt repeated when he hung up.

“Yeah, you said. Is everything okay?”

He grinned and hopped over the back of the couch to sit down again. “Everything is _great_ , actually. She asked me to come home for a few weeks to help with an anniversary Christmas program. Our old circus is reuniting for three weeks in December and they want me to be one of the star acts again.”

Kitty's mouth dropped. He'd be gone for three weeks in December?

“Wow...when, exactly?”

“The show will run from December tenth through New Year's Eve.”

That meant he'd be gone for Hanukkah and maybe New Year's and even Christmas? Her insides felt like lead, but she plastered on a big smile for him.

“Wow, that's...that's _great_ , Kurt. You seem really excited.”

“I think I _am_. I haven't performed in years, not like that, for an audience. Margali said many of our old friends will be there, and the circus won't be traveling, which means we can rig up some more permanent equipment and really do some astounding acts.”

He jumped up again in his excitement and tapped his chin to think. “Hm. I suppose I should wear my usual costume...or perhaps a holiday theme? I still have that elf costume from when I volunteered at the Santa house.”

“I don't know. I guess it depends on the show. So, um, when will you have to leave?” she said, picking at a piece of fuzz on the blanket.

“Ach, right away,” he said, sounding less enthusiastic for the first time. “We have to practice for several weeks beforehand, even longer than the show will run.”

“Oh.”

“I'm sorry, Kätzchen. You are disappointed.”

“Only that you'll miss all the holidays. They aren't as fun without you. I'm happy for _you_ , though.” She forced another smile to prove it. Who would sit with her while she lit the Menorah this year? Kurt always kept her company, unless he was called away on a mission. He'd started doing that years ago, when they were first in Excalibur and she had no one to celebrate her holidays with. He continued after they returned to the X-Men, even though Bobby and a few others sometimes participated.

“You won't come see it then?” He stopped bustling around the room to wait for her answer.

“Of _course_ I'll come see it.”

The worried look on his face turned to joy once more. “Good. Otherwise I would miss you.”

The rest of the week passed in a blur. Kurt spent most of his free time practicing in the Danger Room or the gym, sometimes while Kitty observed and other times alone. He promised one more movie night before he left, then spent it sharing new ideas for his solo performance, talking about his circus friends, and telling stories about them. Kitty didn't mind, but it did nothing to lift her spirits.

“I get one solo and according to Margali, there will be other combined acts I can also perform in. She said Petra is going to be there, and—”

Kitty hadn't heard him mention Petra before. “Who's Petra?”

“One of the acrobats I used to work with. There was also Lukas and Jutta, but I don't think she will be returning.” He frowned at an old memory, and Kitty vaguely recalled the name Jutta. She didn't have a chance to decide whether or not to ask about her, because his smile returned and he continued talking about old friends who had said they'd return.

Kitty sat cross-legged on one end of his couch while he dug through his movies. He stopped every few titles to tell her something else about the trip, or another friend he'd thought of, or some food he couldn't wait to eat again. He was so excited, and she felt selfish when all she could be was disappointed.

Finally he found a movie he wanted, and held it up for her to see. She approved, and he put it on, though he could hardly sit still. He was leaving in two days, even before Halloween. He explained that he had to adjust to the time change before practice began on the first of November.

“I can't believe you're missing Halloween, too.” she said, unable to hide her disappointment.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I was looking forward to Dr. Strange's party, too, but this is a one-time thing...”

“I know. It's okay. I'm just...It stinks that you're going to miss everything.”

“I'll be back in time for...” he paused to think. “Valentine's Day.”

“Goody.”

Kitty reasoned with herself. He wasn't leaving forever. He'd be back. She could talk to him on the phone and text him. She would go out to visit and see the show. It was the thought of two months of holidays and special occasions and movie nights without him that was dragging her down. Over two months. Nine weeks, and possibly more.

“And St. Patrick's Day,” he continued. “And Easter.”

“I don't celebrate Easter.”

“I know, Kätzchen, I'm only teasing. Please don't be upset.”

“I'm not. I'm fine.” She smiled around the painful lump in her throat. “Are you gonna put the movie on or what?”


	2. Back Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt thinks he can go home again. But something is missing.

“Text me when you land,” she said as he climbed into his Blackbird.

“I will.”

“Have fun.”

“I definitely will.”

He was so keyed up he hadn't stopped moving all morning, and now he'd left her standing at the door of the hangar with barely a wave good bye. It was going to be a long two months, she thought as she trudged back into the school.

When Kurt landed, he put the plane in stealth and ran into the common space of the circus grounds.

Margali came out to greet him, and some of the others who'd arrived ahead of him joined her.

“You haven't changed at all!”

“You look wonderful!”

“I'm so happy to see you!”

Voices tumbled over one another, hugs and handshakes and pats on the back came from every direction. Margali finally extricated him from the group and showed him his trailer.

“I would have put you in mine, but it is full to overflowing with props and equipment right now,” she explained. “So I made sure to have a private trailer available for you, son.” Kurt glanced around. It was small, like all of them, with only the basic necessities inside. There were two raised bunks along the side, set atop drawers and a cabinet, and there was a wider bed at the far end that could serve as seating or a sleeping space. There were two small windows near the front, and in the ceiling there was a door to access the roof. Near the front door there were hooks on the wall, and a tiny sink with a bucket. There was no plumbing.

The trailer felt so much like the ones he'd lived in growing up that he was hit by a wave of nostalgia. It was like going home again, a feeling of security and peace he hadn't felt in a long time. He wished Stephan were alive to reunite with him. He wished things had been different between him and Amanda, that she might have come back, too.

As if reading his mind, Margali said, “Amanda was sorry she couldn't make it. She sends her regards.”

Her regards. Not her love. Kurt smiled at Margali and told her to give Amanda his best when next they spoke.

He spent the next two days reminiscing with old friends, and adjusting to the time change. When the first of November rolled around, he leaped into the practice schedule, feeling happy and carefree. The following days were a whirlwind of practices, greeting old friends as they continued to arrive, and altering the tent as their acts were modified. Kurt's solo act was approved and went through the usual choreography changes and adjustments. He practiced with Petra, who did return, and Lukas, another former aerialist, on two other acts.

The first week flew by before he knew it. After the initial excitement of seeing his friends and tweaking his performances, he began to think about his friends at home. He had forgotten to text Kitty when he landed, and discovered her messages the next morning. She was gracious and understanding, but he still felt bad.

He had toyed with the idea of asking her to come with him for the entire trip, but he expected she would have said no. Two months was a long time to be away from the team when she wasn't directly involved in the production. And what would she do all the time he was practicing? Sit around and watch? Still, he imagined how nice it would be to have her there in his silent, private trailer in the evening. Instead of going to bed alone, she could have been in the bunk across from him, giggling over some new story or joke. Or, better yet, in the larger bed beside him, warm and soft at his side.

He shook his head to clear the image, but it refused to budge. He couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned from side to side and finally teleported to the top of the trailer with his phone. He checked the time. Maybe he could call her. Yes, it was dinnertime in New York. She might even answer.

She sounded surprised and worried when she answered, asking what was wrong before he could even greet her.

“Nothing, Kätzchen, I only called to say hello.”

“Okay. Well. Hello.”

He chuckled. Her voice was like a balm to his soul. He hadn't realized how much he missed it until he heard it. “How is everything at home?”

“Fine. The usual. We caught some jerks trying to put up some anti-mutant signs in town, and Sabretooth showed up to pick a fight with Logan, but we ran him out. What about you? Hey, isn't it pretty late there?”

“ _Ja_ , it's late, but I am wide awake.”

“Can't sleep?”

“Not tonight.”

“But everything's okay?”

“ _Ja_ , I promise. I've seen many of my old friends, including Petra. She came after all, and I don't think she's aged a single day. Lukas, too. One of my old partners in the show. We three have an act together, and Petra and I have one as well.”

“That's great,” Kitty said. _Petra_. Next thing she knew, Kurt would be telling her he was dating Petra, going on and on about how _beautiful_ she was, a veritable _goddess_.

They talked a while longer, until at last Kurt began to yawn and think he might be able to get some sleep at last. He leaped off the trailer and re-entered through the door so as not to break up the phone call with a teleport.

“You're still planning to come for the show, aren't you?” Kurt asked as he bounded onto his bunk.

“Yep. Just tell me when to show up.”

“Come anytime,” he said. “Opening night is December tenth.” _Only a month away_.

  
  


Kitty hung up and tossed her phone onto the bed. Her room was quiet, even Lockheed was snoring quietly. She'd already been downstairs for dinner, had a long conversation with Jubilee about one of the parks in California she'd visited one time, and watched an episode of a new Netflix series with half the team. After talking to Kurt, her room felt colder and emptier. She knew it was ridiculous, because she spent plenty of evenings alone. It was the idea of not being able to see him if she wanted to. At least, that's what she told herself. She typed out a whole message in the text field before deleting it and heading down to the kitchen for a snack.

Of course it wasn't an excuse to walk past his room. She stopped in the hallway beside his door. Her room had felt a little chilly. Maybe she could borrow his blanket. She was sure he wouldn't mind. She went on to the kitchen, made a bowl of popcorn to eat alone, and on her way back to her room, she slipped through his door and took the blanket off his couch.

Kurt, in the bunk of his trailer in Germany, was still wide awake. This wasn't good for practice, which was tiring even when he'd had sleep. He had to rest or performing on the trapeze and tightrope would be unsafe. And it was silly. She slept halfway down the hall from him and he never had trouble. He'd see her soon enough. He rolled over. Then back again. He cursed under his breath and decided he'd have to take the morning off tomorrow because he was sure he'd never fall asleep.

“What's wrong with you today?” Lukas asked as Kurt stumbled into the tent, bleary-eyed and yawning.

“I couldn't sleep last night. Tossed and turned until late. Sorry, but I have to sit out this morning's practice.”

“Why don't you go eat something and take a nap?” Petra said, jogging over and patting his shoulder. Lukas nodded agreement. The choreographer, an older aerialist named Tobias noticed too, and ordered him back to his trailer.

Kurt stifled another yawn. “I only came here to tell you I'm not going to be here,” he said.

He trudged back across the open space, mostly ignoring the others rushing past, before returning to his own trailer. He looked at the clock and grumbled to himself. He couldn't even think about texting her or calling her again until at least lunchtime. He pulled the trailer door shut behind him and climbed back into the bunk. He didn't understand why he was so out of sorts. He'd been having a wonderful time. Nothing had gone wrong. No one had attacked them, or threatened them, or tried to 'cure' them. No one looked at him funny, or whispered about him behind his back just loud enough for him to hear. Why was he so discontented?

He drifted off at last and woke feeling better, surprised to see he'd slept almost four hours. He had dreamed about her—dancing, while she gazed into his eyes. It was over now, though, and he drank a glass of water and hopped about to clear his head. Then he dashed out, grabbing an apple from one of the carts as he passed. Lukas and Petra were on the trapeze fine-tuning one of the selections, and he crouched on the bleacher to wait.

They joined him when they took a break.

“You look like yourself again,” Petra said, taking a seat beside him.

“I am much improved. Excuse me one moment.”

Kurt teleported up to the trapeze stand and took a few pictures, then returned his phone to the safety of the bleacher. It would be dangerous if it fell on someone while he was practicing, but he had decided to send Kitty pictures. He hoped they would amuse her.

By three o'clock, he felt rejuvenated and his muscles ached pleasantly from the workout. He was eager for a lunch break. It was nine in New York, and most of his friends would be awake, including Kitty. Kurt sent her the pictures as he finished his late lunch.

She replied almost immediately with open-mouthed emoji faces.

He grinned, pleased with himself, and messaged her back.

>>It was good talking to you last night. Can I call you later?

>>Yes. I have a DRS with Logan at 10 but otherwise free.

>>I'll call after.

Danger Room Sessions lasted anywhere from an hour to two hours, depending on the simulation. Most were about an hour, only because tired people tended to make mistakes. Kurt did the time change calculations and decided he could call her at dinnertime. By six his time, or better yet, seven, she should be finished and showered, and free to talk. And he would be done with practice and have time as well.

The rest of the afternoon passed more easily knowing he would talk to her soon. He shut himself in the trailer and called her at seven, listening to the ringing on the other end like a child waiting their turn to sit on Santa's lap. He was afraid she wouldn't answer, but at last she did, sounding slightly winded.

“Have you been running?” he said.

“No. Well, yes, I ran to get the phone. I was in the other room.”

“Am I interrupting? We can talk later,” he said, hoping she wouldn't take him up on the offer.

“No, no, I was making tea, that's all.”

He wished he was there to drink some with her. He was more often a coffee drinker, but he liked tea, too, and both of them had picked up a bit of a habit when they lived in England and Scotland.

“How was the Danger Room?”

“Same same,” she said. “How's the circus?”

“Same same,” he mimicked, then laughed. “Although, that's not quite true.”

“Well, it's years later. How long has it been?”

“At least ten years,” he said. “Though that seems like a long time.”

Kitty giggled on the other end. “Ten years ago, I was in eighth grade making plans to be a computer programmer and professional ballerina on the side.”

“Are you trying to make me seem old?”

“Yeah, you're ancient. What are you, 27?”

“I'll be 29 soon.”

“Then you still have time to live your dream.”

“ _Ja_. I thought I would always be a performer.”

“You still are, Kurt. You can't fool me.”

“I mean in an actual circus.”

“Wanna quit the team?” She was teasing, but the words struck him in the gut. Did he? “Kurt?” She sounded stricken. “I was only kidding...”

“No, I know, sorry. You made me wonder though.”

“Oh.” There was silence on the line for long seconds until she said, “Would you really think about quitting?”

“No,” he replied automatically, more from the desire to comfort her than because it was true. He didn't know what he felt, not yet, but she'd put a thought into his head that seemed...pleasant. Coming home had been more fun than he expected, aside from missing her, and he wasn't dealing with mutant-haters or extremists or terrible villains. It was _nice_. “It had not occurred to me until you said that. That it was even a possibility.”

She didn't reply.

“Would you like to come out here early?” he said. “I can show you around before it's busy.”

“I don't think so.” She sounded like she was in pain.

“Kätzchen? Are you all right?”

“Yep.”

“Are you crying?” He'd fly home, hell he'd teleport home if he'd made her cry.

“No,” she insisted. “Why would I be _crying_? I'm _fine_.” He could almost see her sticking her chin out, blinking back tears, and crossing her arms. Stubborn.

“I'm not quitting the team,” he said. “It's a...a...what's the phrase you use? Pipe dream, yes. It's a pipe dream, Kätzchen.”

“You should do whatever you want,” she said, but she still sounded teary.

“I am.”

“I can't come out early. I have stuff to do here. Classes.”

“I know. It was a silly idea.”

She sniffed. “Hey, I gotta go. Call me again when you have time.”

“Okay. _Ja_ , I will. Bye.” Kurt hung up, feeling awful. Being back with his friends, living an easier life and doing what he loved most was tempting. Of course, it wouldn't always be like this, but circus folk were tolerant and perhaps he could find a place with another group of performers. That would mean leaving the X-Men, his friends and teammates. It would mean no longer being a super hero, saving people, saving the world. It would mean not seeing Kitty anymore.

  
  


Kitty dropped onto her bed, teary-eyed with a pit in her stomach. He might leave? He was suddenly considering it, just because she'd opened her idiot mouth. She wished she'd never said anything.

The next day, he sent a picture of the Big Top, and her reply made his heart sink.

>>Hey, your new home. It's nice. :-)

He didn't know how to respond, so he didn't. He didn't call or text the next day, either, or the day after that. He didn't know what to say to her. When she texted him on his birthday, he sent his thanks.

>>Still having fun?

>> _Ja_

>>Okay. Be careful. Happy birthday again.

>> _Danke_. I will.

And that was it.

  
  


Kurt focused on practicing and spent every day with his friends. He put Kitty and the team as far out of his mind as he could. He was happy in the circus and he didn't know how to talk to her about it. Guilt at not talking to her mingled with the concern that she was angry with him, and to avoid thinking about it, he stayed awake until he was practically dropping from exhaustion. By the middle of November, it began to take a toll.


	3. A Visit From a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god there was only one trailer! 
> 
> Geez, I just fall for that one over and over. Oh well. At least the trailer has three beds, ha ha!

Lukas and Petra both noticed. Tobias noticed.

After a third missed catch in one morning, Tobias sent him to the bleachers. Kurt sat with his head in his hands, trying to get his focus back. Tobias stood in front of him, arms crossed.

“Go out and take a walk. Drink some water. Call your friends at home, whatever you need to do. Take the whole day off and for Pete's sake, get some rest. We'll go over that routine again tomorrow.”

Kurt did as he was told, walking the perimeter of the site, quite a distance, phone in hand. He fiddled with it, flipping it over and over before finally dialing her number.

  
  


Kitty slammed her hand onto the phone in the dark, fumbling with it before she managed to answer it. “It's five in the morning, are you dying?”

There was a slew of incoherent muttering on the other end from Kurt, before she finally took pity on him.

“Did you forget you're six hours ahead of us?” she said.

“ _Ja_. I'm so sorry, Kitty.”

“I forgive you. So what's going on?”

“Nothing, I just hadn't talked to you in a while.”

“You called me at five in the morning and you sound like shit. What's going on?”

He could never hide much from her, not for long anyway. “I'm not happy with how we left things the last time we spoke.”

“Me either.”

“You seemed so upset and I want to reassure you but the truth is, I don't know if I can.”

She forced herself to reply. “It's your life, Kurt. I can't tell you how to live it. You have to do what's best for you.”

“I don't know what that is. I like it here, I'm having a good time, everyone is friendly and accepting. It's like a family.”

It was too early and her brain was still too foggy for this. Didn't he realize he could have been talking about the X-Men, too? “I can't tell you what to do. Come home if you want, but if you don't then...I'll support you even if it's hard. That's what friends do.”

Kurt had found a place to sit, and while her words were meant to be comforting, they only made him feel worse. “Please come to Germany,” he said, shocking himself, even as he said it.

She didn't answer.

“Never mind,” he said, immediately regretting his request. “I'm sorry. I've made a terrible mess of things. I know you have a lot to do.” He sat up, wondering how long he'd been away from the practice tent. “I should probably get back to practice.”

“All right. I'll come.”

“What? Really?” He was on his feet again, looking around as if she might appear in a puff of smoke the way he did. He ran one hand absently through his hair, making the curls stick out in small tufts.

“Yeah,” she said, then yawned. “I'll let you know. Flights are probably already booked up for Thanksgiving.”

He wanted to do leaps and flips and throw himself off tightropes. “No rush,” he lied. It was ridiculous to be so excited. He blamed it on lack of sleep. After all, he hadn't been gone that long. Only three weeks. He couldn't remember the last time they'd been apart that long.

“I'm gonna try to get some more sleep now,” she said, and he nodded as if she could see him.

“ _Ja_ , _ja_ , I'm sorry to have woken you.”

“S'okay. I'll text you when I have a flight.”

  
  


He felt light-headed when he got back to his trailer. He stripped out of his practice uniform and fell onto the bunk to sleep. He woke up a few hours later and went back to practice for the last few hours. Afterwards, he and Lukas shared a few beers on the back steps of Lukas's trailer.

“So where'd you go?” Lukas asked.

“Just walked around. Took a nap.”

“That's all?”

“And I called a friend from home.”

“Good. Well, I'm glad you're back to normal.”

“ _Ja_.”

They chatted until the sun went down, and for the first time in several days, Kurt slept soundly all night. In the morning, he rolled and stretched. His phone was blinking. Messages. He tapped the screen and pulled up the messaging app. The messages were from Kitty.

>>No flights.

His heart sank. He scrolled to the next message, partially obscured by the keyboard that always seemed to pop up when he didn't need it.

>>But Scott and Jean are going to France to find a new mutant, and they're going to drop me off instead. See you in a few hours.

A few... _hours_? When had she sent the message? He frantically tapped it to see. Middle of the night. His time or hers? He almost fell off the bunk in his rush to climb out, scrambling to pick up his clothes, which were strewn about the trailer in a mess. He piled them on a chair and dug through the drawers of the trailer for an extra set of sheets, hastily making up the second bunk. She was on her way, and she was going to be there soon. He shook his head in shock.

He stared at the bunk as his thoughts finally collided into something resembling sense, and realized she probably wouldn't arrive until evening, and most likely wouldn't want to stay here with him. He should ask around if there were any empty trailers, or if any of the women would be willing to accommodate a guest for an unspecified amount of time. He pulled on his practice outfit and ran out to see who was awake.

Petra said she would have been happy to share, but she was already in a trailer with three other women and there wasn't any more room. His mother was an absolute no—Kitty would never agree to share a trailer with her. He asked around, but none of the women had space in their trailers, and there were no spares available. Finally one of the cooks said if he couldn't find another solution, she and her husband would find a way to rig something up in their trailer. He thanked her but suspected Kitty wouldn't be too happy with that either.

At breakfast, he had another thought. He would give Kitty his trailer and bunk with someone else. Lukas had a free bunk, and Kurt sighed with relief.

“Why do you need a place to stay? Isn't your trailer empty?”

“ _Ja_ , it is, but I invited a friend and there are no other trailers available.”

“So let him bunk with you,” Lukas said, giving Kurt a look that said it was a no-brainer.

“ _She_ might not want to do that.”

“Ohh...” Lukas said, laughing and nodding. “Doing things the old fashioned way.”

“ _Was_? No, no, she's my friend. Not my girlfriend.”

“Okay,” Lukas said with a shrug. “So. When will your not-girlfriend be here?”

“I don't know,” Kurt said with a sigh, ignoring the jab. “She couldn't give me a time. She's not flying into Munich.”

They practiced all morning, and by lunchtime, Kurt was on edge, listening for the telltale sound of the Blackbird engine and scanning the sky every time he walked outside. He ate lunch outside the tent, in spite of the cold, and when he finished and returned to practice he was beginning to wonder if something had happened to delay her. Perhaps the trip had been canceled, or they'd run into trouble.

Even with the time difference, he thought she should have arrived already. He pulled out his phone and typed up a message.

>>Where are you?

He deleted it and rewrote it.

>>Looking forward to seeing you. When should I start watching the sky?

As if he hadn't been doing that all morning.

>>Got delayed. Long story. We're over England now.

He looked up, nearly tripping over a clump of grass as he headed for the clearing outside the circle of trailers. His neck began to ache from staring, until at last the roar of engines filled the air. A slight shadow crossed him as the Blackbird hovered overhead. _Be nonchalant_. He tried not to bounce as she slid down the air molecules from the plane to the ground and landed in front of him.

He threw his arms around her and she laughed.

“Are you homesick?” she said, and her voice was gentle in spite of her laughter. She studied his face for signs of sickness or clues to whatever else might be wrong.

He wanted to stay in that moment forever, the way she was looking at him with such concern, her eyes darting back and forth between his, and her hands on his arms.

He shook his head. “ _Nein_. I don't think so.” He pulled her close again and she pressed her cheek heedlessly against his sweaty practice uniform. “But I missed _you_. A lot.”

“Well I'm here now, though I can't promise to be good company.”

“It's fine,” he said. “It doesn't matter.”

He let her go at last, and picked up her two small bags before she could grab them. “Ah-ah,” he scolded, “You're my guest now.” She rolled her eyes but let him carry the bags. He led her to his trailer and set the suitcases on the floor.

“Is this like the one you grew up in?” Kitty asked as she looked around the small space. Kurt shoved his own bag into the corner and scanned the room for anything he'd missed in his earlier rush to clean.

“ _Ja_ , only ours was a little larger, since there were more of us. This is very small. Not meant for very many.” He rubbed his neck. “So, uh, I arranged to go somewhere else.”

“What? Why? I'm not kicking you out of your own trailer. No way.” She picked up one of her bags. “I'll stay with someone else. One of the women.”

“Unfortunately, there are no available spaces with the ladies. Unless you wish to stay with the cook and her husband, the other cook.”

“Oh. Can't I just stay here with you?”

“You can.” He nodded, a little too enthusiastically. “You can, I only thought you might prefer...”

She dismissed it with a wave. “We lived in a train for three months. I think I can handle living in a trailer with you for a few weeks.”

He felt a dizzying rush of relief and giddiness wash over him again. “All right,” he said. “If you change your mind, you've only to say so. I can always stay with Lukas.”

“I'll keep it in mind, but I'm really not concerned. You're not a scoundrel.”

He laughed. “No, only a gentleman rogue.”

She smiled at him and took a step forward to hug him again. “I missed you. It's so stupid, but I did.”

“Why is it stupid? I missed you, too.”

“Because it's not forever. Unless...” She stood up, hands on his shoulders. “Are you _really_ going to quit the X-Men?”

He honestly didn't know the answer to that question, but he couldn't stand the idea of upsetting her when she had only just arrived. “Probably not.”

She squeezed his shoulders and let her arms drop, straightening her spine. He could see in her face she hadn't believed him. “Then you better show me a good time while I'm here.”

Could he watch her leave him, knowing he wouldn't be joining her again? He didn't know. But he couldn't spend his days chasing a woman who didn't love him back, either. And being around her all the time kept those feelings boiling right at the surface all the time, so that he had a hard time thinking of anyone else but her. Being away from her was the only way. _And how's that working out so far_? He gestured to the door.

“Let me show you around some more?”

She stepped out into the brisk air and he followed, wondering how he'd ever find the strength to let her go.

  
  


Once outside, he pointed out different tents and trailers, including the showers and the dining tent. He also pointed out Margali's tent, in case she wanted to avoid it.

“Funny,” Kitty said. “She doesn't have Douglock's head in there, does she?”

He patted her shoulder. “After what happened, I know you have no love for her.”

“Only because she hurt you,” Kitty said, and Kurt closed his mouth. He hadn't known that. He resorted to humor again.

“She doesn't have any heads in there. At least, none that I could see.”

They continued on in easy silence to the practice tent, which in a few weeks would become the show tent. Already the design team was setting up exterior decorations and planning out where the tickets would be sold and where the lines would queue. Inside, Lukas and Tobias were going over some last minute details while Petra and two other aerialists were practicing.

“When the show opens in two and a half weeks,” Kurt said, “you get VIP seating.”

“As if I've never seen you do tricks,” she said with a short laugh. “Oh, don't look so hurt. I'm excited to see the whole thing.”

“I promise, you've never seen anything like this.”

Tobias noticed them and motioned them over. “So,” he said before initial introductions could be made, “is this the girl who had you missing catches all day?”

Kurt could have killed him.

“Kurt never lets women distract him from his work,” Kitty said with straight face before Kurt could respond. “He distracts _them_.”

Tobias laughed heartily, and Kurt silently thanked Kitty for saving him.

“Tobias, this is my very dear friend and teammate, Kitty Pryde,” he said, managing to find his voice again.

“You're in for an incredible show,” Tobias said to Kitty. “How long are you staying?”

Kurt looked at her, having wondered the same thing, but not brave enough to ask.

“A couple weeks,” she said. “Depends on how things go.”

“All right,” Tobias said. “Time to get to work. Kurt has lazed about too much. You can sit on one of the bleachers, but don't get in the way.”

Kitty sat as Kurt bamfed to the other side of the tent, where there were other people milling around at the base of one of the poles. She could see him gesturing towards her, and she waved her fingers in their direction. Tobias strode into the center of the ring, ignoring the people working on the ground and dodging animals and actors.

Kurt was conscious of her presence, and kept finding himself looking in her direction. How odd that it was being in his homeland that made him long for her. No, that wasn't right. He always longed for her, but here he had let his guard down and his mind wander. He had stopped trying to stay in control of everything. There was only his circus family and his own thoughts, with no imminent danger to distract him. He glanced at her again while he waited for his turn on the trapeze, and studied her. She had her chin on her knees and she was looking at something on her phone. She smiled then sat up. Kurt tried to pretend he hadn't been staring at her, but she waved, and he knew he was doomed.

Kitty was ready to get out of the tent by the time Kurt was done practicing. It was warm and slightly sweaty smelling, and she had already spent the morning sitting in a plane.

“It was stifling in there,” she said as the cold outside air made her shiver, even with her coat on.

“Do you have gloves? A hat?”

“Right here,” she said, pulling them out of the pockets of her coat. “Where's yours?” She gave him a scolding look.

“Ach, I'm used to it.”

“You're gonna get sick.”

“I'll be fine, Kätzchen, I have boots on and gloves, and I'm still warm from practice.” They reached the trailer, and Kurt gathered up clean clothes and his towel. He pulled off his gloves, then stopped, rubbing his chin and looking around. “Hm.”

“What?”

“Nothing, just...aha, hold on.” He reached up and pulled out a curtain from behind one of the bunks. Each bunk had one for privacy. “I need a shower,” he explained from behind the curtain.

Kitty had not calculated this part when she asked to stay with him. Perhaps it was a mistake after all, if they were going to be half-naked in each other's presence every day. She opened her bag, trying to clear her mind of images of Kurt in the shower. After the shower. In the shower with her.

“I'll be back in a few minutes,” he said, and she caught a glimpse of him leaving, wearing only a towel around his waist.

_Aw hell_. She had a book but couldn't read it. She set the book down with a sigh and grabbed her bag of books and magazines, things she'd brought to keep her occupied if he was gone a lot, to dig out her laptop. She had a stack of papers to deal with, and online projects she could grade. She looked for an outlet to plug in the computer, but couldn't find one. She'd ask him about it later.

  
  


She wondered again why he'd really asked her to come. He said he wasn't homesick, but he hadn't seemed like himself when he asked her. And Tobias's comment about him missing catches was disconcerting. That wasn't like him at _all_. He could catch someone in the middle of a firefight in fog while falling out of a plane.

Without her computer, she pulled out the magazines and piled them on the end of the alcove seat. She settled in to look at them, not really seeing anything as she thought about why he was missing catches. She let her mind wander until she was interrupted by soft tapping and the door opening.

“Is it okay to come in?” Kurt called.

“Of course, don't be silly.” She tried not to look

He was half-hidden by the curtain until he shoved it aside. He draped his towel on a hook by the door. “Let's go eat,” he said.

“Will I be able to use my laptop here?” She picked up her coat.

“Probably. If you turn it on and all the lights go out, then you'll know you can't.” He chuckled.

“Yeah, but is there an outlet to plug it in?”

“Oh...I didn't think of that. Maybe? The lamps work, after all. We can look after dinner. I'm really hungry.”

He made a quick search for outlets while she pulled her coat on and fished out her gloves and hat. He didn't see any, but maybe one of the big tents had some. He picked up his own coat and held the door for her as they stepped into the cold. He was so glad she was here, but he also felt guilty for taking her away from the school for no reason other than his own pathetic heart. “I shouldn't have asked you to come.”

“Why the hell not?” she said.

“You have things to do at home.”

Kitty put her arms around him. After a heartbeat, he hugged her back, pulling her closer. “I did what any good friend would do. Besides, you wouldn't have asked me if there wasn't a reason,” she said. “I only wish you'd tell me what it was.”

“Kätzchen,” he said, and his breath was warm against the top of her head where his chin rested. She thought he might tell her, or at least reveal some clue about why he wanted her around, but he didn't.

“Ready for some dinner?”

“Lunch maybe,” she said with a laugh to hide her disappointment.

The meal was simple but hot, and Kitty was hungry from traveling. She met Petra and several other performers who joined them for the meal. When they were finished eating, some of them hung around and talked more, until Kurt rose and took his and Kitty's tray to the wash stand.

Good. Now they could be alone and talk, and maybe now he'd tell her what happened that day he called, almost begging her to fly out. She wondered if his mother had done something again. Or Amanda. Maybe she'd shown up after all?

It was dark, but Kurt led the way easily, and she kept hold of his hand. The midway was well-lit, but behind it, where the workers lived, it was not. They walked slowly and he pointed things out here and there as they passed.

“That trailer might have outlets,” he said. It was larger than most, set between the dining tent and the showers. “It's a common space. There's a television and some games and newspapers in there.”

In Kurt's trailer, he pulled the curtain to change clothes, then dimmed the lights. Kitty sat in the alcove expectantly, making sure there was room for him beside her. But he crawled onto his bunk with a sigh.

“Sorry, Kätzchen. I haven't been sleeping well, and with these long practice days, I'm exhausted.”

“That's okay. You should get some rest then. I'll, um, I'll just talk to you tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to leave the curtain closed?” he said.

“It doesn't matter.”

“Don't worry about your reading light,” he said. “It won't bother me.”

“Okay.”

“ _Gute Nacht_ , Kätzchen,” he said.

“G'night, Kurt.”

Kitty read her book for a long time, listening to the soft sound of his breathing, punctuated by a snore now and then. Finally she put the book away and climbed onto her own bunk, turning on her side to face him in the pitch blackness left when she shut off the book light. She wasn't afraid of the dark, but it was unnerving being unable to see anything at all, so she closed her eyes and hoped she'd fall asleep quickly.


	4. The Days Go By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt starts acting like a jerk. Kitty probably wants to whack him upside the head.

When Kitty woke up, Kurt was gone already. She looked at the time, and dressed in a hurry, guessing they weren't serving breakfast any more. When she poked her head into the dining tent, she was surprised to see there were still a number of people there, eating and talking. She ate breakfast alone, wondering how she was going to stand being here for two weeks. Just over two weeks until opening night—and of course she _had_ to stay for that. But she would go stir-crazy if she couldn't find something to occupy her time.

After breakfast, she watched Kurt and the others practice for a while. He and Petra were working on their act, and Kitty stayed in the shadows while she watched him flinging her from one swing to the next. She imagined it took a lot of strength and trust from both of them. Kitty chewed her lip and wondered if Petra was the reason he'd called. Maybe he wanted dating advice? That was stupid. He could have asked her over the phone. Frustrated, she turned to leave as Lukas joined them for the three person act.

Kitty spent the rest of the morning working in the large trailer, grading projects online. Kurt came in looking for her at lunchtime.

“Found you,” he said when he poked his head in the door.

“I wasn't hiding,” she said as she shut her laptop.

“You don't have to watch the practices,” he said. They headed to the dining tent.

“You saw me?”

He nodded. “What did you do all morning?”

“Graded papers and compared some statistics.”

They sat with Petra and Lukas again, and Kitty laughed at her stories of Kurt's antics when he was younger. Petra was nice, and Kitty liked having her around. Her dry sense of humor and knowledge of the trapeze was impressive. Their off day was Sunday, and Petra offered to go into town with Kitty for a change of scenery.

“That would be great,” she said. “I'm already wondering what I'm going to do when I finish grading all my papers.”

Petra nodded in understanding. “Yes, it's hard for visitors. But once you know the way to town, it's not a long walk and you can go whenever you want.”

After lunch, she walked with them back to the tent and stayed to watch for a few minutes. She didn't want to spoil the opening night act, though, and she worried she'd have seen it all and not be impressed later. On her way to the trailer, Margali crossed the midway and stopped when she saw Kitty.

“Hello,” she said, and Kitty replied politely.

Margali looked like she might say more, so Kitty hurried on to the trailer before she could. Fighting with Kurt's foster mother would definitely not help the weirdness between them. She decided she had to find a way to get him to talk to her.

At dinner, she talked about her work at home a little, and mentioned how quickly she'd come away to visit Kurt.

“He's been much better since you arrived,” Petra said. “I think he was homesick.”

“No, I'm sure it wasn't that.”

“What was wrong before?” Kitty said. She folded her arms on the table and let the tips of her fingers just brush against his arm.

“I told you. I missed some catches and I wasn't sleeping.” He sounded annoyed.

She let it drop.

After dinner, she told him about the odd run-in with his foster mother. “She looked like she wanted to say something to me, but she didn't. She stared at me and then I walked away.”

“I told her to leave you alone,” he said. Kitty sat in the little alcove again, where there was a lamp mounted on the wall so she could read after he went to bed without disturbing him.

“You can sleep there, if you want,” he said.

She looked at the space and then at him, and shrugged. It was wider than the bunk and not as high. He grabbed the pillow from her current space and tossed it into the alcove. “I thought it was more like a couch or something.”

“It is. But it's also for sleeping. I should have offered it to you right away.”

He was already in his bunk, covers pulled over him as he rested his chin on his hands to talk to her. He yawned, and she felt bad for keeping him up, but she was here and it seemed she never saw him.

“How come you stopped sending me pictures?”

“I don't know.”

“I thought maybe my joke upset you.”

“Your joke?”

“About the big top being your new home.”

“Oh. No, you didn't upset me.” He rolled onto his stomach to peer down at her.

Kitty knew from experience that if he didn't want to tell her something, no amount of wheedling would make him, so she gave up again.

“So there's a new mutant in France. Jean says he's really powerful.”

“Oh, _ja_? What kind of power?” He yawned and Kitty pretended not to notice.

“Something with the environment. Remember Avalanche?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Like him, but stronger. And apparently this guy doesn't just cause earthquakes.”

Kurt let his arm hang off the side of the bunk, and she wondered if he slept like that.

“Avalanche worked with the Brotherhood, right?”

“I think so. Anyway, this guy's been making kind of a mess in Boulogne, so hopefully they can convince him to go back with them, or at least get him to listen to them.”

“Scott and Jean...do they speak French?”

“They have Northstar with them.”

“What was the reason for the delay earlier?”

“The jet was acting up. Scott didn't think he could get it to start, but then at last it did.”

Kurt sat up, intrigued. The Blackbirds were kind of his specialty and definitely a favorite, having worked on them until the team switched to the Auroras. Now the team only used them occasionally. Kurt leaned on up his elbows and pressed a thumb to his chin, asking her questions about the start-up sequence and if it had fired or not, until Kitty just shrugged and said he'd have to ask Scott.

“You didn't teach me anything about the mechanics, only how to fly them.” She smiled. She knew the Blackbirds would get him talking.

“Maybe I should rectify that someday.” He shot her a wide grin, and then yawned again.

It was so hard not to say _if you come back to the X-Men_ , but she managed by staring at her hands in her lap. And with the ensuing silence, it was clear he was thinking it, too.

“Will you at least come into town with me and Petra on Sunday?” she said before he could fall asleep.

“ _Ja_ , but I'm afraid you won't find much to do there on a Sunday. Much of it is closed.”

“At least I'll know the way. Maybe I can find something to do while you're in the tent all day. I finished grading everything online, and I'm almost done reading my first book.”

“Okay,” he said, and put his head down. Kitty didn't know what else to say, and soon the sound of his easy breathing filled the room. She rolled over and stared at the back wall until she fell asleep, too.

  
  


Kitty enjoyed the walk into Winzeldorf with Petra and Lukas. Kurt promised to meet up with them later, saying Margali wanted to see him about some circus business. He was right about things being closed, but most of the restaurants and shops selling food were open. She bought some German chocolate and a cup of good coffee to give Kurt when he met them. The three of them sat on the edge of the fountain in the square waiting. Finally, with the coffee going cold, she texted him.

>>Are you still meeting us in town?

Several minutes later he finally replied.

>>Sorry, can't.

Kitty wanted to throw the coffee on the ground.

Petra frowned when Kitty told her and Lukas what Kurt said. “He didn't even give a reason. How rude.”

“Give him a break,” Lukas said. “Margali probably made him drag a bunch of props out of her trailer or something. She's probably standing over his shoulder right now.”

  
  


But when they arrived at the circus grounds, he wasn't working for Margali. He was working with Tobias in the tent, hanging rigging wires.

Kitty didn't bother to question him when he hopped down and came over to apologize again.

“Whatever. I got you coffee, but it's cold now.”

“ _Danke_ , Kätzchen.” He patted her arm and took the coffee cup. “Smells delicious. I better get back to work.”

“Yeah.” She went back to the trailer and pulled out a book. It was hard to read through her tears, but she told herself if he found her crying, she would at least have the excuse of the book to give him. The last thing she wanted was for him to know he'd upset her.


	5. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt succeeds in screwing up a bunch of stuff.
> 
> Also, my chapter titles are super boring! I love them.

Days passed in the same routine of practice and and meals. Kurt had been so desperate to see her, he hadn't considered anything but getting her here. He hadn't thought about the long hours of practice, with short breaks, and how exhausted he was at the end of every day. On his day off, the idea of spending all day with her, dodging her inevitable questions seemed daunting. He was more than willing to lend Margali a hand when she asked if he was busy. She and Petra seemed to get along. She'd have a good time without him.

He knew he was being rude, but he couldn't give her a good reason for wanting her here without giving away everything. And he couldn't take that chance. Each morning when he rose, he looked at her sleeping form in the alcove and wished he was in it with her. He wished he could crawl in behind her and put his arms around her and fall asleep breathing in the scent of her. Maybe he should take the risk and tell her. Then he pulled on his coat and went out into the cold.

  
  


By the end of the next week, he was sorry he hadn't gone to town with her. She'd stopped asking him questions about why he wanted her here, stopped pestering him about if he was or wasn't going to quit the team, and even stopped trying to keep him awake in the evenings. Maybe he should try to spend a little more time with her.

It was Saturday, and he decided he'd go to town with her in the morning and show her the sights. He could try to make up for missing last week. Kitty was quiet at dinner, letting him and his friends carry the conversation, as she'd begun doing lately.

Finally Petra spoke up. “Kurt, I think Kitty is bored.”

He glanced at Kitty, who was looking at Petra. “No,” Kitty said, not convincingly enough, “I'm fine.”

“You brought her all this way, and for what?” Petra said.

Kurt shook his head and shifted in his seat. He said nothing, only his eyes flicked from Kitty's and then to his dinner plate. Her chest felt tight. Why wouldn't he talk to her? Didn't he trust her?

“I could've left,” she said, and they all looked at her. “I could leave tonight if I wanted. I'm here because I want to be here. Because Kurt's my friend and he needed me, even if he can't tell me why.”

Petra smiled warmly. “I see why he's so fond of you.”

“It is difficult not to be,” he said, contemplating his empty plate. “I could not ask for a better friend.”

Kitty might have cared if he wasn't acting so strangely. She didn't know what else to do.

“Dinner is over,” Petra said, pushing back from her place. “And it's our night off. Let's go see if Lars has lit the fire yet. Come on.”

Petra tugged at Lukas's arm and then Kurt's until they both stood and followed her out of the dinner tent. Kitty trotted along between Kurt and Petra. She put her hand on his shoulder and patted, and he gave her a squeeze in return. Maybe he'd lighten up now. Kitty wondered if he really was working too hard and if fatigue had caught up with him.

On Saturday nights there was a bit of a party. Lars the fire handler lit up the fire pit and there were snacks and drinks. Sometimes there were games and dancing. By Saturday, everyone was ready to relax for a while.

The fire blazed hot, and they stayed for a while, listening to stories and playing cards with some of the other performers. Someone had a fiddle and others danced.

Kurt was finally smiling as they watched the dancers. Kitty had studied the more modern dances, Kurt knew classical styles, but this was something altogether different. They were sitting on a log, close together, and he had his arm around her. Hope rose in her heart again that maybe things would be okay between them after all.

“This is nice, isn't it?” he said. “No fighting, no disasters, just people having a good time.”

She craned her neck to see him. “It's nice, but the disasters are still happening,” she said. “We just aren't dealing with them.”

“Exactly. It's a nice change. Why are the X-Men responsible for the world?”

Kitty could hardly believe he was saying that. She extricated herself from his arm to lean away. “So...you're fine knowing our friends are out there risking their lives while we're sitting around a bonfire watching people dance?”

He frowned. “Not exactly. I'd prefer if they were not risking their lives.”

“Well they are. Maybe not at this very second, but they are.”

“There will always be people willing to risk it all to save everyone. I'm not sure I want to do that anymore. I don't want to keep risking my life and having nothing to show for it at the end of the day.”

“Are you serious?” She stood up. “Look, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.”

For a moment he was too stricken to move, then he bounded up to chase after her. As they walked, it began to snow.

“Kätzchen, wait.”

She stopped long enough for him to catch up. “I can't believe you said that. It's like you came out here and became a different person. You wanted me here, but you don't have time for me. You won't even talk to me. You say you're thinking about quitting the team, and now you don't care about anything except making _yourself_ happy? Who are you?”

Her words stung, but he argued anyway. “Don't you ever want a break from it? Don't you ever get tired of all the fighting and hate?”

“Of course I do, but I also know that running away from it isn't going to help. It's still going to be out there, only now there are fewer people fighting it. And there's a big difference between taking a break and giving up.”

“I didn't say I was giving up.”

“Then what do you call it?”

“I—it's an opportunity for a better life.”

“For whom?”

They had reached the trailer, and she flung the door open before he could reach it. She didn't bother closing it behind her as she yanked off her coat and threw it onto the top bunk, where she was no longer sleeping.

“The circus opens in just over a week,” he said.

“So what?” She whirled on him. “You think I want to stay, now that I know what this is all about?”

“You _don't_ know.”

“Then tell me! God, Kurt, I've been here for _weeks_ and I've tried talking to you and you just...you just clam up, and I _know_ there's something wrong.” She pressed her hands against her head in frustration and paced in the cramped space while he stood at the door. “It's like that time you went to Germany all over again.” She looked at him, ideas flashing. “Is that why you wouldn't talk to me then, too? Have you been thinking about this for that long?”

He didn't answer her, and she sat down on the cushioned nook. “Oh my god.”

“I should have told you.”

“You think?” she said, lifting her face to his, anger slowly leeching out. “What the hell? I thought we were friends, but you...”

“We are.” He grabbed a tiny stool that hung from the ceiling and sat in front of her. “I haven't been thinking of leaving since Germany. That's not what I meant.” He told her about his encounter with the creatures that had plagued the land, about Jutta's deceit, and his heartbreak, learning what his circus friends had done. “When this opportunity came up, it felt like a chance to forgive them and move on. Then you made the joke about staying.”

“Which was stupid.”

“No, it wasn't. Kätzchen, I'm tired of fighting. I want a life, I want to be able to enjoy it, with my friends and family. I want a family someday, maybe a wife, maybe kids, I don't know, but I _do_ know that if I stay with the X-Men, I can't have any of that.”

“You think you're the only one who thinks about that stuff?”

“No.”

“So why the big secret? Why didn't you just tell me this?”

“I think because I knew you'd talk me out of it.”

Anger flared up again. “Don't you pin this on me. I've never tried to talk you into or out of anything. All I've ever done is support you and be your friend.” She stood up and walked through him, grabbing her coat on the way. “I'm going for a walk. Don't follow me.”

  
  


Outside, the snow pelted her face, but it suited Kitty's mood. She didn't walk toward the tents, but away from them, skirting the woods and staying within sight of the circus. The last thing she needed was to get lost in the snowy woods after she'd just told Kurt not to come after her.

She didn't understand what had happened. One phone call from his foster mother, he'd run home to his circus family and decided to ditch _everything_ for them? It made no sense. Did the X-Men mean so little to him? Did she? Kitty decided that if he was done with the team, there was no reason for her to stay and let her heart keep breaking. If he was done, then she had to be, too. She'd have to get over him and move on with her life. She'd have to put him out of it. The thought almost brought her to her knees. Life without Kurt, who'd been part of her family for nearly ten years, looked empty and bleak, and her entire body revolted. She was furious that he was putting her through this, and for what?

When she was too cold to stay out, nose frozen, fingers cold even with her gloves on, she headed back to the trailer. Maybe tomorrow in town she could find a hotel to stay in until she could arrange to go home.

  
  


She didn't bother being quiet when she opened the trailer, expecting him to be in his bed asleep. She'd been gone a long time. But he wasn't there. She hadn't expected him to be gone. The note on her pillow said, “I'm going to stay with Lukas.”

She sat down hard on the alcove cushion, holding the note in a hand that trembled from both anger and heartache. She crumpled it and threw it onto his bunk, left her wet coat and gloves in the middle of the floor, and all the lights burning as she crawled into bed.

  
  


Lukas answered the trailer door somewhat groggily. “Hallo, Kurt. Late for a visit.”

“I'm sorry to bother you. Can I stay here tonight?”

Lukas hesitated only a second before letting him in. Kurt brushed the snow off his coat before stepping inside.

“ _Danke, mein Freund_. Kitty and I had an argument and I thought it best to give her some space.”

“Sure. You okay?”

“ _Ja_ , I'm sure it will be fine.” He didn't know how, and he wasn't sure he believed himself, but Kitty had never deserted him, and he didn't think she would now. “She's very angry with me.”

“What'd you do, say something stupid?”

Kurt shrugged. “Something like that.”

Long after he'd pulled up the covers and turned to the wall to sleep, Kurt lay awake, thinking about everything Kitty had said. He knew she was probably right about at least most of it, but he didn't want to give up the idea that there was another life for him somewhere, that didn't involve risking it every day. And obviously, she didn't want any part of it, so the thought of somehow convincing her to stay with him was lost now. It had always been a foolish thought, that she might be willing to give up the X-Men life for him, but he'd let himself hope and now he was paying the price.


	6. You Made Your Bed Now Lie In It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kitty and Petra hang out in town, and Kitty packs her things.

Kitty woke to knocking on the trailer door. She rolled out of the bed and nearly fell on her face tripping over her coat lying on the floor. She flung open the door and saw Petra, whose smile fell when she saw Kitty was still in her pajamas.

“I'm sorry,” Petra said, “I thought we were going into town today.”

“We are,” Kitty said. “Come in, it's okay. Sorry, I had a bad night and...what time is it?”

“Eleven.”

“Shit.” Kitty rubbed her eyes. They were puffy and she had a headache. “Kurt and I had a fight and I took a walk and he was gone when I came back.”

“He stayed with Lukas,” Petra said. “I'm sorry you had a fight.”

“Me too. Gimme a sec and I'll get dressed. I still want to go into town, if that's okay.”

“Of course.”

“So, uh, how'd you know Kurt wasn't here?”

“He told me at breakfast.”

“Oh.”

“He said you needed _space_.” Petra rolled her eyes and made a face.

“Did he?” Kitty replied with equal cynicism.

Kitty dressed quickly and brushed her teeth in the little sink, then followed Petra outside. It had snowed at least four inches in the night, but thankfully not much more. Kitty didn't relish the thought of tramping through a foot of snow to get to the closest town.

“Winzeldorf is small,” Petra said as they walked, “but there is something I want to show you that we didn't see last weekend.”

“Okay,” Kitty said, “What is it?”

“We all know Kurt's story about when he met your Professor Xavier. And Winzeldorf hasn't changed much. But, well _some_ of the people have. See?” Petra said, stopping in front of an elaborately decorated building, complete with ornate statue in front. Kitty squinted at it in the bright light, trying to see what it was under all the snow.

“Well damn. I didn't think that thing was real,” Kitty said, gazing up at the building's sign: “Nightcrawler Museum.”

“It's real,” Petra chuckled. “Mara loves to tell the story of when Nightcrawler visited. She's the owner.”

“I'm sure she does.”

“Ready to eat?” They went into a little pub and ordered lunch.

Before they headed back to the circus grounds, Kitty stopped in at one of the hotels to inquire if there were any rooms available. Petra was frowning when she returned.

“I'm sorry you won't stay,” Petra said. “I know he's being a jerk but won't you at least try to make up with him?”

“I would, but I don't...” Kitty blinked harshly and repeated, “I don't think it's going to work this time.”

“Why not?”

“Because...I think he's already made up his mind.”

  
  


Kurt was in the trailer packing his things when Kitty got back. He didn't have that much, but most of it was already laid out, and his suitcase was half full. He looked up with a start when she walked in.

“That won't be necessary,” Kitty said before he could speak. “I'm getting a hotel room until I can go home.”

“You're leaving?” He turned with a stunned expression.

“Yes.”

“Because I want a life where my friends and I are not in danger every day?”

“No, because you're deluding yourself into thinking that's true, and because—and because you turned selfish all of a sudden,” she added, pointing for emphasis. Then she started jamming her things into her own suitcases.

“It's not selfish.”

“It is! You're just dumping the rest of us, your _family_ , the people who stood by you for _years_ , all because you're the star of this stupid Christmas show and...” She sighed. “Look, I get it, I get that you're tired of fighting and all of that, but this? I don't know, Kurt, I guess I didn't realize how completely miserable you were.”

“I never said I was miserable.” He ignored her jab at the Christmas show. She wasn't angry about that, she was angry at him.

“You didn't have to.” She stood up, bags in hand. “I'm sorry I came here. I'm sorry you called me. I'll give Logan and Ororo your best.”

Once again she walked through him and out the door, leaving him speechless.


	7. He's Still Got a Friend In Her Even When He's Been an Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt gets in a little trouble and Kitty doesn't desert him because she is awesome.

He should have gone after her, he thought as he swung backwards on the trapeze. Three days later and he hadn't spoken to her once. He didn't know if she was even still in Germany. He should have apologized to her at least. Logan and Ororo deserved more than “his best.” They were more family than Amanda at this point, and that was all he had left for _her_. He leaped forward and caught the next swing, pondering if his teammates were more or less family than the people here with him now. He'd been betrayed by both groups, been hurt by both, left behind by both in different ways. What had changed that made him now prefer his circus family over his X-Men family? And why did he not include Kitty when he thought of them?

_Because she never betrayed you or left you and she was a child when she hurt you, and has spent every day since then making up for it_.

He flipped and reached for the next swing. He was off by a hair, but he could catch it. The tips of his fingers brushed the bar but failed to wrap around it. He sailed past, falling, spinning to land safely on the net. The net which had been removed because they were a week from the show.

Kurt landed on the hard packed dirt floor with a heavy thud, slowed only by a rapid series of teleports he hoped would bleed off some of the excess inertia. It worked. Sort of.

All the air in his lungs shot out as he hit the floor, and it took several seconds before he could inhale again, painfully. Everyone crowded around him, shouting orders at him and each other, but all he could think about was how much he'd disappoint Kitty if, after all of this arguing, he couldn't even be in the opening night production. And then he realized he was completely wrong about that.

After the circus medic cleared him to move and Tobias finished scolding him and sent him to his trailer—empty—he thought about her. She hadn't come out here to see him perform. She'd come because she was his friend and because as she said, she could tell something was wrong. She was willing to stay, not because he was in the circus, but in spite of it. She said she could support him leaving the X-Men, but she couldn't support him lying to himself about why he was considering it.

Why _was_ he considering it?

Everything he'd told her was true, mostly. He _was_ tired of fighting, he _was_ tired of watching his friends get hurt, and making no progress in the world's prejudices. But his teammates were as accepting as his circus friends. And people got hurt here, too. Including himself. So what was it?

Lying on his back made it ache so he rolled, tucking his feet in and facing the back of the trailer. The little alcove where Kitty had spent weeks sleeping was just shy of being long enough for him to stretch out fully, but it was easier to lie down there than in his raised bunk. When he rolled over, he discovered she'd left a sweater behind, and as he held it, he admitted he had let himself get lost in the dream of a future he didn't have, because she wasn't in love with him. He wouldn't retire to Germany with her, he wouldn't convince her to stay here in this quiet country town because, even if she did love him, she'd never give up her own dream for that. And without her, his dream didn't exist.

No, he realized with a start that his dream wasn't to rejoin the circus. It wasn't to quit the X-Men and move back to Germany. He didn't want to live in Germany. He wanted to live in New York, where she was. It was _her_ , she was his dream, and he didn't have her, and nothing else was going to fill that void. His eyes ached and he blamed the throbbing in his hip, lying to himself once again. He pressed his face against his arms and tried to rest.

Someone pounded on the trailer door, and he called out, not bothering to roll over. He didn't want to see anyone anyway.

“Kurt?”

Her voice went straight to his heart. He couldn't turn over fast enough, all the aches and bruises hindering his motion and making him stiff like rusted joints.

“Kätzchen?” he croaked, and twisted his head to see her.

“Stop,” she said, yanking her gloves off, “You'll make it worse.” She threw her coat and gloves on the floor again, and sat on the edge of the bed. “You idiot. How did this happen?”

“I'm so sorry,” he said. “I don't know what came over me, but I'm sorry, and you're right. About everything.”

She looked even more annoyed. “Kurt, you fell off the trapeze and almost broke every bone in your body, and you think I'm worried about that other stuff right now? We can talk about it later. Right now, I need to know that you're okay.”

“How are you here?” he said, ignoring her concern and trying to sit up. She put her hand on his chest and pushed him back down gently.

“Petra called me at the hotel.”

“I thought you were gone. I should have called you. I've messed everything up, I don't know why you're even here.”

“We both messed up. We'll talk about it later. What happened today?” She picked up his hand and stroked it, pushing the short fuzz back and forth. It took him a moment to answer.

“I fell and there was no net. I forgot they took it out.”

“Idiot,” she said, and laying her forehead on his shoulder she let out a sob.

“Yes.” He reached over to touch the back of her head, stroking her hair until she stopped crying.

“I hate crying,” she said, “And it's your fault.”

“I know.”

“You aren't allowed to almost die. See, this sucks, you tried to convince me it's so safe here, but it isn't, and really, there's always a risk, every day, everywhere.”

“I know, _schatzi_. You're right. I should have listened to you.”

“What happened?”

“I was being stubborn and I didn't listen to you, and—”

“No, I mean today. How did this happen? How could you forget about the net?” She gestured to his battered body.

“Oh. I wasn't paying attention, missed the catch and forgot there was no net, so I didn't teleport in time.”

“But how in the world...”

“I let myself get distracted.”

“Idiot.”

“You mentioned that.”

“Yeah, well, it's true. Where are you hurt? Did you hit your head?”

“I managed to deflect most of the inertia, and no, I didn't hit my head. I only hit everywhere else.”

Kitty sat up, rubbing at her eyes. “You never fall, Kurt.”

“Apparently that isn't true.”

She stood and retrieved her coat and gloves, hanging everything on a hook. There was another knock at the door, so she answered it. It was Petra and Lukas, looking worried. Petra hugged Kitty when she came inside.

“You got here fast,” Petra said.

Kitty shrugged. “I ran. X-Men training is good for something. Thanks for calling me.”

She let his friends talk to him while she busied herself elsewhere in the trailer, folding clothes and stacking papers and magazines. Under one of them was a framed photograph of her and Kurt, from their Excalibur days. She remembered Meggan taking this one, in front of Braddock Manor, not long after Pete had left her. Kurt had arranged some kind of picnic with the team to cheer her up, and she'd been too sulky to appreciate it. He was smiling at her in the picture, and she was smiling at the camera, but only for Meggan's sake.

Kitty stared at the photo, at the way Kurt was looking at her and not Meggan. The way he kept his arm around her, and the picnic stuff in the background. If she didn't know better, she'd have said the look on his face was love. She set the photo down and let Petra and Lukas out the door, promising to meet them for dinner.

She carried the picture over to the bed and sat beside him again. “I like this picture,” she said, handing it to him.

“Me too. You were so sad after Pete left, and for a little while that day, you were less so.” He handed it back, and after studying it again, she set it aside. “I'm so sorry, Kitty. For everything. For asking you out here and then...I'm so sorry.”

“You haven't had any time for me since I got here.”

“I know, and...I don't have any excuse.”

“I forgive you,” she said. “And I'm sorry I stormed out the other night. I needed to clear my head. I didn't think you'd be gone when I got back.”

“It's my fault. Talking to a brick wall is impossible. I should have waited for you to come back. I'm sorry I never called. I really messed everything up, didn't I?”

She didn't want to answer that, so she started to get up, but he reached out for her hand. “Kätzchen. I thought about what you said, about all of it. You're right about everything. And I'm not going to quit the team.”

Kitty gently removed his hand from her wrist and clasped both of her hands around his. “After everything I said, this is gonna sound crazy but...you _should_ quit if you aren't happy, and it doesn't matter what other reason there might be.” She sighed. “If you aren't happy there, you won't do a good job, and you'll get hurt. And if you get hurt on the job there, you could really die.”

_Tell her_ , the voice in his head screamed. “I'm not unhappy with the team,” he said instead. It was true enough.

“You're impossible. Are you sure you didn't hit your head?”

He laughed. “I'm sure.”

“It's dinnertime. Should I bring you something or do you think you can walk?”

“I can walk.” He rolled upright and stuffed his feet into his boots while she brought him his coat. “When dinner is over, we should talk more.”

“That would be fantastic,” she said as she helped him with his coat. “Are you gonna be able to do the show?”

“I'll be all right. The stiffness is the worst and it'll work its way out.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her head, then pulled her into a hug. “You'll see.”

  
  


They walked slowly, and whether he was trying to prove something or simply loosening his joints, by the time they reached the meal tent, he was moving more like himself and less like a 90 year old. Tobias joined their table for dinner, looking as much like an angry, frightened parent as an angry, frightened choreographer.

“It's a good thing you're only here temporarily,” Tobias said, wagging a finger at Kurt. “You've been out of practice too long. What do they even teach you over there in America?”

“Not trapeze work, clearly,” Kurt replied. “I'm sorry, everyone. I've been distracted and careless. If you don't wish me to perform, I'll bow out.”

Tobias harrumphed, Petra looked shocked, and Lukas said, “That's just stupid. You have to perform, you're in almost all the acts and it's too late to change them without making everyone crazy. Just quit screwing up.”

Kitty suppressed a laugh, as Kurt submitted to his reprimands.

“You scared us all,” Petra said. “I thought you were dead.”

“I thought you were paralyzed,” Lukas said.

“I'm sorry.”

“All right,” Tobias said, “That's enough. Show up to practice tomorrow.”

Dinner after that was quiet conversation, and Kurt seemed all right, if subdued. He'd taken enough criticism in his life to be able to handle it, especially when he knew he was at fault. Still, Kitty remained hopeful that he'd tell her what really happened.

In the trailer, after she helped him out of his coat, and hung hers up, he lay back down on the bed in the alcove with a soft groan.

“You're not okay. How are you going to practice tomorrow?”

“Carefully,” he said with a smile. He saw her worried face turning to annoyance and added, “I've worked under worse conditions. I'll have to go slowly and be careful, but I'll be all right.”

“Did they give you anything for the pain or swelling?”

He pointed to a container of ibuprofen and a plastic zip-top bag.

“They gave you an empty bag?” She picked it up, laughing.

“Ice can be hard to come by when traveling, so we got used to using snow.”

“Oh. Well that's actually pretty smart. Be right back.” She leaned through the wall and filled the bag with snow.

“Melts faster than ice, but it'll do, _ja_?” He held it against his hip, grimacing.

“So...”

Kurt's smile faded, but he had resolved to tell her enough to explain his behavior and hopefully not lose his friend. He moved over and patted the side of the mattress for her to sit.

“I owe you an explanation. Several explanations.”

She nodded and folded her hands in her lap.

“Things at home have been difficult, as you know, with the constant fighting, the new laws being proposed, new “cures” being introduced...we've lost many battles, lost friends, come close to losing others. Having the opportunity to come here, to my first home, seemed like a Christmas miracle. I thought it was what I wanted. And it seemed like a good idea at first, returning to the circus life. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with the hate and the fighting. I thought I could go home again. Turns out, I was wrong.”

He shifted and adjusted the snow-turned-cold-water pack and she offered to get more.

“ _Nein, danke_. You were right, Kitty. I was being selfish, and when you called me on it, I didn't want to hear you. I wanted to be right. I wanted to believe it was possible to choose a life that would be...sort of normal, I suppose. Safe. But not boring, either.”

“Yeah, that doesn't seem like you.”

“When you left, it forced me to think about everything you said. And that's why I was distracted—which is my fault, not yours. I should have excused myself from practice, and I didn't.”

“So you don't want to quit the team?”

“No. I really don't. But I might take more vacations.”

“Are you _sure_?” She sounded close to tears again, and he wondered why.

“ _Ja_ , Kätzchen, I'm sure. Besides, I'd miss you. That's the honest reason I asked you to join me here. I really did miss you.” He chuckled to cover the deeper truth of it, but she didn't laugh.

“Well, I missed you, too, and if you left...” She leaned down to hug him, and he let go of the plastic bag to put both arms around her. “God that's cold.” She jerked away from the snow-pack.

“Come on the other side.”

She climbed over him, stretching out beside him in the recess of the alcove with her head on his shoulder.

“I suppose you'll go back to the hotel?” he said.

“Nah. Although I'll have to get my stuff and check out at some point.”

“To go home?”

“No, to come back here. You obviously can't be left on your own.”

He did laugh then, and hugged her tighter.

  
  


Kitty woke in the middle of the night because he had rolled nearly on top of her. She wiggled away and went back to sleep with his arm around her waist and his breath in her ear. She woke again when he got up, leaving a cold place at her back where he'd been lying.

She rolled over and sat up, noting the way he limped across the room to his coat on the hook.

“What the hell are you doing?” she said.

He jumped in surprise, and winced. “I am going to practice.”

“Like that?”

He looked down at his uniform, which he hadn't bothered to change out of, then at her. “ _Ja_?”

“You're moving like an old man.”

“Oh.” He grinned sheepishly. “I know. I'm hoping some good stretching will help.”

“Fine, but wait. I'm coming with you.”

She shoved her feet into her boots and ran her fingers through her hair because her brush was at the hotel. When she grabbed her coat, he was still watching her. “What?”

“Nothing. I'm glad you came back.”

“As if I'd stay in a hotel after my best friend nearly killed himself. Even if you _were_ being a jerk.”

She went out in front of him, and shook her head as he hobbled down the stairs. “You're going to end up in the hospital.”

“That's why you're here, to keep me safe, right?”

“You're obviously doing a _great_ job on your own, so yeah.”

In the tent, Tobias and the aerialists gathered to do their warm up stretches, and when they were done, she admitted he was moving better. Maybe he would be all right. She watched him for a while, wishing she had a cup of tea or coffee or something. Even with his injuries, he moved with a fluid grace. When they took a break, she got up to stretch her legs.

“Hey, I'm gonna head to the hotel and check out,” she told him. “You seem like you're okay.”

“ _Ja_ , I'll be fine. You don't need help with your luggage?”

“Nope. Thanks though. Be careful. Pay attention.”

“I will, Kätzchen,” he said and hugged her.

  
  


He was waiting at the road for her. When he saw her, he teleported closer, and tried to take one of her bags.

“Ha ha,” she said, holding it away. “No way. You'll just be in worse shape tomorrow.”

“It isn't going to be very pretty, is it?” he said, acknowledging that he would probably be even more sore in the morning.

“No. It's too bad you can't take a hot bath here.”

“Too bad you already checked out of the hotel.”

“Oh. Yeah.” It was, actually. She put those thoughts out of her head. “How was the rest of practice?”

They chatted idly as they walked back, somewhat slowly. The sun had set by the time they arrived, and most of the crew were in the dining tent already. Kitty dropped her bags at the trailer before heading to dinner.

“What's in your hand?” Petra asked as she and Kurt walked up.

Kitty held it up. “German chocolate bar,” she said with a grin. I bought it before I left town.” She swatted at Kurt's tail, trying to sneak around and snatch it from her. “I'll share if you're nice.”

“You are looking prettier than usual today, Kätzchen,” he said.

“I said be nice, not flatter me with lies,” Kitty replied, holding the chocolate out of reach. She turned her back to him and opened the chocolate, doling out pieces to Petra and Lukas.

Kurt frowned, tried making eyes at her, and finally asked nicely if she'd share a piece with him.

“Why, yes, I will.” She handed him a big piece, and he kissed her cheek.

“It wasn't flattery,” he said. “It was truth.”

She waved the comment aside and ate her dinner, happier that the air was clear between them again.

After dinner, Kurt sat up with her rather than immediately getting ready for bed. They changed into pajamas and sat in the alcove talking. When Kitty was younger on the team, before Illyana came along, she had sometimes felt she had no one to talk to. Then in the early days of Excalibur, that had almost gotten her killed. Luckily, it only resulted in her being mortified in front of her brand new teammates when she climbed out of that Warwolf in her birthday suit. Talking to Kurt now was so different. Easy. Not like getting _him_ to talk. She smiled across the alcove at him.

She didn't know what had brought him to his senses, her speeches or the fall, but she was glad he was acting normal again. She only wished they could have worked through it earlier, so less of her visit had been wasted. Although, it was still a little odd that he said he missed her so much it drove him to make mistakes. She wasn't sure that was the whole truth, but for now, it was enough.

Each night after that was much the same. He stayed up a little later to talk with her or read books together, or sometimes take a short, easy walk around the circus grounds. He slept in the alcove while his hip healed, and she slept in the tall bunk, except on the nights she fell asleep next to him instead. He never said a word, and she didn't either, and suspected he didn't really mind. She certainly didn't.

She went to every practice, too, though she didn't stay for the duration. She didn't have that much patience. He seemed fine, and after a couple of days the limp was gone.


	8. Opening Night and New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut, folks. 
> 
> Also, a somewhat cheesy, greeting-card-channel-y ending.
> 
> But for real, there's smut here so if it's not your thing, you can skip everything after opening night and then just read the last line.

The night before the circus opened, everyone was wound up with nerves. Kurt paced in the trailer, talking excitedly about what opening nights were like, where the reserved seating was, and which acts Kitty should watch for.

“And I have a crazy, last minute idea I think you'll hate, but I hope you'll say yes.”

“What does it matter if I like it or not? It's up to Tobias isn't it?”

“Kind of.” He beamed at her expectantly, as if waiting for permission to tell her his idea.

“What's your crazy idea?” she said.

“I want to throw you across the—you're laughing already. I knew it.”

“You want to _throw_ _me_? You _did_ hit your head when you fell.”

“I'm serious,” he said, and he actually looked serious for the first time that evening. “An audience volunteer, a death-defying stunt. It's circus perfection.”

“I can't believe you.”

“You can say no. But I hope you won't.”

“I don't know...”

“I would never let anything happen to you, and even if I blacked out and you fell, you could just airwalk down. You're safer up there than I am.” She considered. “You know I can do it. Call Meggan, she'll vouch for me.”

She chewed her lip and considered it. “All right. But if I hate it, you have to buy me more German chocolate.”

He leaped up from his seat. “Deal!”

It got late enough she finally insisted he sit down at least. He did, but she could feel the tension emanating from him, even when he was sitting still. She put a hand on his back, and scratched lightly, back and forth until he started to relax.

“Now lie down and get some rest,” she said, sliding off the bed.

“Kätzchen?”

“Hmm?”

“That felt nice. Very relaxing. And I would appreciate, if you don't mind, if you didn't stop just yet.”

Kitty let the words hang in the air before answering. “Yeah. Sure.”

“I promise to return the favor,” he said as he settled onto his stomach.

Kitty found it soothing as well, and her eyes became heavy, with most of the lights out. She laid her head down, still rubbing his back. She thought several times that she should get up and go to her own bunk, but he was warm and she was sleepy. When he draped his arm over her and pulled her up next to him, she gave up the argument in her head and settled in for the night.

  
  


On opening night, Kitty slipped into the bleachers from the back of the circus tent, after wishing Kurt and his friends all the best, and took a seat in the reserved section. There were only a few people in the tent so far, but there was a line at the door, and it was very early still. The show wouldn't even start for at least an hour. Some of the circus family members joined her in the reserved section, but for the most part she was alone. She looked up at the trapeze and aerialist equipment, at the ground where there was no net, and tried not to picture Kurt falling from that height a week ago.

Instead, she thought about the past week, and how different it had been. They had talked more than once about his too-idealistic vision for his life. They talked about reality and life on the team, and how important it was to take breaks when things got to be too much. In fact, they'd probably talked more in the past week than in the previous three.

The circus opened with a roar as the lights went down and the spotlight shone on Friedrich the ringmaster. Around him were tumblers and jugglers, dancers, a magician, and some of the more unusual acts. Kitty knew the aerialist acts were near the middle of the event, and she waited nervously for them to begin. At last, the acts on the ground gradually disappeared and Friedrich pointed to the top of the tent. The audience applauded as one by one, Lukas, Petra, and Kurt appeared. Kitty held her breath, but so far, there seemed to be no reaction. Perhaps they thought he was in a costume.

First was the double act, with Kurt and Petra, then all three of them, and finally Kurt's solo. She'd seen him perform, but it was still incredible. No wonder he'd earned the nickname “The Incredible Nightcrawler.” He back-flipped off the trapeze and onto the platform with a deep bow, then disappeared in a purple cloud, reappearing beside the ringmaster. The audience gasped and oohed and aahed, thinking it was a trick of the circus. Kurt nodded to Friedrich the ringmaster, who handed over his microphone.

“Good evening, everyone,” Kurt said, waving to the crowd. He was such a perfect showman, smiling and enjoying all the attention. Kitty braced herself. “I have a few more tricks for you, but I'm going to need a special volunteer from the audience.”

Hands flew up all around them, but Kurt continued. “A _particular_ volunteer, someone I already know.” Kitty's heart began to beat wildly. She wished she had said no.

Kurt continued. “She's my dearest friend, and without her I would quite literally not be here tonight.” Spotlights began searching the stands and behind closed eyes she saw the light finally land on her. “There you are, Kätzchen. Come down here, please.” He held his arms out as if she could leap into them from her seat in the bleachers.

She got up, sure her face was as red as his uniform. He led her into the center of the ring, took her hand, and kissed it. He turned back to the audience. “A big round of applause for my friend Kitty, unarguably the most beautiful assistant I've ever had the pleasure of working with.”

She was sure she was even redder in the face than before. Kurt put his arm around Kitty's waist. “Up we go, Kätzchen.”

He teleported them up to the trapeze platform, where he turned and waved to the audience. Still holding the microphone in one hand, he kept the other around her waist. Kitty wasn't afraid of heights, and she'd been in far more dangerous situations, but still, she clung to him like her life depended on him.

“And now,” he said to the audience, “this wonderful woman has agreed to let me throw her across the tent.” The crowd gasped. “Don't worry, I'll catch her.” Kitty looked out and it was as if everyone in the crowd wore the same look of confusion and fear. She spied Margali at the back, arms crossed, and her face unreadable.

_Please don't let her cast some awful spell on me now._

Kurt tossed the microphone down to the ringmaster and turned to Kitty. The platform was tiny, and his face was barely inches from hers.

“Ready?”

“No, but I'll never be ready.”

“We're going to swing first, and then I'll toss you.” She nodded and he pulled the swing off its hook on the pole, stepped onto it with one foot, gripped her around the waist and they were off. Kitty squealed as the swing flew, and then she was flying alone. For a heartbeat, she thought he wouldn't catch her, and then he appeared in front of her, grabbed her hand, and teleported them to the far platform. Kitty hadn't realized how silent it had become until the audience erupted in applause. Kurt bowed, then indicated Kitty, whose heart was beating so fast she could hardly think.

“Well done, Kätzchen. Hear the applause? We should add this to the regular lineup.”

“No way. I'm not doing this every night.”

“We'll work something out later. For now, back to the floor.”

Kitty tried to keep from looking sick when they arrived at the ground. Two teleports in less than five minutes would turn anyone's stomach, but she didn't want the audience to know. She returned to her seat to more clapping, and finally, the next act went on and she could breathe again.

The circus finally ended, and Kitty let the crowd exit first, before grabbing her coat and heading to the back area where the performers were. There was noise and chaos, everyone excited and talking. Kurt pushed through the crowd when he saw her.

“You were fantastic,” he said. “I'm glad we never practiced. I think they believed you were truly in danger.”

Kitty laughed uncomfortably. “It was, uh, something.”

Kurt hugged her. “We're having a little celebration back here. There's plenty of beer, and it's the good kind.”

“Yeah, I'll take one.” He handed her a bottle, and she decided he had a point about German beer. Lukas and Petra rushed over and Petra hugged her tightly.

“What the hell was that?” Petra said, taking Kitty by the arm.

“Yeah, nobody knew you were gonna be a star,” Lukas teased.

She laughed again, feeling her cheeks heat up and wishing again that she'd said no. “It wasn't my idea. You'll have to ask Kurt.”

“Ask me what?” he said, joining them, propping his elbow on Kitty's shoulder.

“When did you and Tobias plan that with Kitty?” Petra said.

“And when did you practice?” Lukas said.

Kurt ran a hand through his hair, making the curls stick up in the back. He chuckled and said, “We didn't. It came to me last night, and she agreed.”

Lukas looked at Kitty with respect. “Damn. I don't know anyone who'd agree to that.”

“I only had time to run it past Tobias and Friedrich. And, I admit I enjoyed shocking the two of you.”

Kitty wished they'd talk about something else. She didn't like the idea of having stolen the spotlight from Petra and Lukas, who had worked really hard for weeks, when she hadn't done anything. She finally pulled Petra aside and told her as much. She was gracious and insisted it was fine, but Kitty still felt guilty. At last the conversation shifted, and then the party began to break up, as the performers headed to their trailers. After all, they had practice in the morning and another show the following night. Twice on Saturdays, all the way through New Year's Eve.

  
  


In their trailer, Kurt finally began to wind down. He couldn't believe she'd agreed to let him do that stunt with her, with no training or practice. If she hadn't been an X-Man, he never could have asked, but with all her experience, he hadn't worried. Still, it was no small thing for her to put that kind of trust in him, especially after how he'd let her down so recently.

He wanted to show her how he felt. He wanted to tell her everything in his heart, but he was so afraid. Every time he considered it, his heart felt like it would beat out of his chest and he could hardly breathe. She'd never given him any clue to her feelings other than friendship, and Kitty wasn't known for being subtle about her crushes. He watched her padding back and forth in her Star Wars pajamas.

“Sleep with me tonight,” he blurted, and she turned with a start, eyes wide. He blinked back at her, almost as shocked as she was, then gestured to the bed in the alcove. “I mean, in the—in the...over there, next to me. Ach, _verdammt_. Like last night.” His cheeks burned and he turned away from her. “If you want.”

She put a hand on his shoulder, and when he turned, she was smiling. “I'll sleep with you,” she said.

She was teasing him, to say it that way, he knew that, but her words still made the fuzz stand up along his spine. She climbed under the covers, propping her head on her hand with an expectant expression. “Coming?”

He wished.

She couldn't be drunk, she'd only had the one beer. He wasn't drunk either. He got in beside her and she snuggled close to him. He studied her face, staring up at him with a grin from the pillow. Her smile turned to a frown when the silence stretched too long.

“Are you okay?” She reached up with one hand to touch his shoulder, and rubbed his arm.

“ _Ja_. It, uh, it takes a while to relax after a big show.”

“I understand. Well, put your head down then. Want me to rub your back again?”

He nodded, not sure he could do much else with his imagination stuck where it was. When he couldn't get her out of his head like this, he wished he could be content with her as a friend, because she was so loyal and good to him. Why did he have to be greedy and want more from her, more that drove him to distraction on far too many nights?

“Hey, listen, I'm not gonna do that again.” It took him a second to understand what she meant, because her hands were on him again.

“Do what? Fly with me?”

“Yeah. It's not fair to everyone else. I hated that, everyone talking to me about it, when they should've been talking to Petra and Lukas and you. I didn't _do_ anything.”

He conceded her point. “All right,” he said. “No more flying in the show. Such a shame, though. You looked beautiful up there.” He patted the top of her head with the spade of his tail.

“Oh, ha ha, very funny.”

“Kätzchen, I mean it. Why do you always question me when I tell you that you're pretty?” She stopped rubbing his back and lay down beside him, folding her arms and frowning.

“Because you're just trying to flatter me. I'm plain old ordinary me, and that's fine. I don't like it when you try to make me out to be some kind of bombshell.”

“Listen to me,” he said, tipping her face towards him. “You _are_ beautiful to me. You have a beautiful heart, and a beautiful mind, you are beautifully loyal and kind and strong. And all of that simply radiates out of you. I wouldn't be so attracted to you if you weren't so beautiful inside.”

He heard the words as they left his mouth, but for the second time that night he couldn't stop them. What was wrong with him? Now he'd given everything away, spilled the secret he'd worked so hard to keep, and he was certain to lose her. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was open in surprise.

He couldn't think of anything to say to explain it away, but she was still silently staring, so he swung his legs off the bed.

“Wait.” She grabbed his arm. “Kurt.”

He shook his head, refused to turn around, embarrassed and frustrated with himself because now everything would be different. He could feel her moving on the bed behind him, and then she wrapped her arms around him. “Please don't be like this. _Talk_ to me. Is this what's been going on all this time?”

He wished he could hide as he hung his head. He wished he could run away, anything but face her and the truth.

“Is it?” She said, and climbed awkwardly around him, still holding onto him. She knew he wouldn't teleport away if she was hanging on him. “Is it?” she repeated. She put her hands on the sides of his face and forced him to look at her.

He had to answer her, he had to say something. “It's part.”

She scooted closer, hugging him and tucking her head into his shoulder. “I love you, Kurt.”

“Kätzchen, please don't—” He couldn't bear her pity or her kindness.

“I'm in love with you.”

He froze and she lifted her head from his shoulder.

“I _love_ you,” she repeated. She touched his cheek, trying to get him to respond to her, her expression serious.

“Kätzchen, I love you so much.” He wanted to hold all of her in his arms, kiss every inch of her, tell her every romantic thing he'd ever thought of. “ _Mein Gott_ , I missed you, and I didn't know how to tell you. I was so afraid.”

“Me too. Even when I tried to tell myself you'd never desert me for loving you, I couldn't bring myself to tell you.”

“Never. I could never leave you.”

“Is that what was wrong?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice muffled by her hair and her neck as he embraced her.

“It was wrong with me, too.” She moved in his arms so she could look at him, hands on his shoulders.

Kurt kept his hands on her back as she wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him down to press her lips against his. She tasted sweet, a little like chocolate. She had her hands in his hair, tracing the edges of his ears until he shivered. She leaned back and gave him a mischievous look.

“Will you sleep with me?”

He growled softly as he pulled her lips back to his, kissing her until she whimpered and rocked her hips against him. He fell back, pulling her down with him and running his hands over her back. The hem of her nightshirt rode up with each pass, her skin smooth and soft and making him want to feel more of her. He reached up to stroke her cheek with his thumb as he sucked at her lips.

He rolled over and kissed her neck and shoulder, murmuring to her as he went. She yanked at her pajama bottoms, phasing them through her legs to drop them on the floor. She grabbed his shirt and tugged it off. He wanted to tell her before he was too lost in her to think straight, so he pushed upright and gazed at her.

“It wasn't the circus I needed,” he said and kissed her. “It was you.”

“I've been here all this time.”

He slid a hand under her pajama top, watching her face and kissing her cheek. She opened her eyes and smiled, and he cupped a bare breast in his palm. The weight of him between her legs and on her belly was both comforting and arousing.

“Take this off,” she said, and he slipped it over her head.

He bent his head to take her other breast in his mouth, flicking his tongue across her nipple and swirling around it while she made little sounds that collected low in his body. He was suddenly desperate to feel all of her next to him, and scrambled to get his pants off, kicking them aside. Underwear too, he discarded, and he moaned softly when he lay down alongside her again.

“It feels so good to touch you,” he said, pausing to relish the sensation of her hands moving over his back, skimming the base of his tail and over his buttocks.

Kitty had expected things to move faster, but he seemed content for now to lie beside her, touching and kissing her wherever he could reach. He skimmed her thighs and she breathed his name in a low moan. He drew one finger up the inside of her thigh, making her arch her back, then slid the same finger between her legs. She pressed her knees wider.

“Please, Kurt.”

Kitty bit her lip as the motions of his fingers pushed every coherent thought from her mind, and her body wound tighter and tighter. She came like a wave rushing endlessly to shore, until she pushed his hand away so she could breathe again. He kissed her belly, between her breasts, her neck, teasing with his tongue and sucking carefully at the dip in her throat.

She hooked her legs around his and reached between them. He paused in his kissing when she grasped him in her hand. She explored him with her fingers, circling the head and making her way to the base of his shaft while he moaned softly into her shoulder. She slid her hand up and down and around, rubbing the tip with her thumb each time.

“Ohh, Kätzchen, that feels...so good.”

She kissed his ear and whispered, “I want you inside me.”

His hand found hers and together they guided him in. He kissed her, a long, deep embrace that allowed her time to adjust to him before he began to move. Slowly out, slowly in, until his legs trembled with the effort of holding back, and she was almost crying with each movement. She hooked her ankles around his back and grabbed his thighs. He thrust faster. Harder. He groaned when he climaxed, kissed her cheeks and her lips and laid his head on her chest to catch his breath.

He felt content after months and indeed years of wishing and worrying. She loved him, and he wasn't afraid anymore. He was finally home.


End file.
